Last night I was sitting outside of the fitness class I take every Tuesday with my friends. The class hadn’t started yet, so I was sitting in the hallway reading over my Genetics notes. Another class-goer came up and we got to talking about our different majors and eventually she asked the question that I’ve been getting so much these days: “What do you want to do when you finish?” I just kind of laughed and said “Hmm, I don’t know. I’m not really worried about it.”
On my hour drive home after class, I got to thinking about this response. I remember when questions like those used to send me into a spiraling panic attack. My mind would start booming with all of the “what if’s”. What if I don’t pass this class and finish school on time? What if I do bad on this exam? What if there is a mistake and I don’t have all of the credits I need? What if I can’t find a job? What if I never even use this degree that I’ve worked so hard for? What if…what if…what if…
A year ago, I’d sit down to take an exam and blackness would completely consume my mind. My hands would start sweating, my heart would race, and I’d end up making dumb mistakes all because I was so nervous and scared of failing.
What’s funny about this is that after I got baptized, I confessed to God that He is the One in ultimate control of my life. But I sure wasn’t acting like I believed that. What I really meant with this confession was: “God, you can have the parts I want you to have, and I’ll hold on to all the rest…because I think I’d do a better job of handling this than you would.”
So I freaked out over exams and over my future because I wanted to be in control of those things, not hand them to God. So, last night, I was driving and thinking about how weirdly amazing the peace is that I have now, how scarily calm I am about my future, and God said to me “It’s because you’ve finally given Me control. Have I not proven Myself faithful to you??”
My heart sank because the overwhelming answer to that question is Yesssssss. A thousand times “YES!!!”
Scenario after scenario of God’s faithfulness in my life began flashing through my mind…
He was there when I got hit by car at the age of nine years old…I walked out of the hospital that same day with only a scratch on my neck.
He was there when I was dating a guy that physically and emotionally abused me for 2 years…never condemning me for the choices I made, but just holding my hand through it all.
He was there when I was 24 and reading atheism books…
He was there when I told my mom over lunch “I don’t believe in God”…
He was there in my loneliness after I got saved, I had only one Christian friend who was going away for a year…He was there when I’d cry myself to sleep over this loneliness and He was listening when I prayed for more friends…
He’s there when I have a bad day or when I feel inadequate…I can literally feel His hugs sometimes…
The Lord has been faithful and kept His promises to me. He’s given me the friends He promised me (1000x over), He’s blessed Jason and I with the house we so fervently prayed for, He’s grown my heart just like I asked Him to, He’s protected the ones I love…So why wouldn’t I trust Him with my entire life and not just portions of it?? I’ve denounced Him, blasphemed His name, and through it all He stands with me. His love overflows to all of us.
One of my classes right now is Ecology. I think my professors goal is to create activists out of us all 🙂 But seriously, this class is one of the most informative classes I’ve ever taken. I’m starting to see how I affect this beautiful planet I live on. One of the things I often think about is how God has given us this wonderful Earth to live on and call our home, how He’s given us people to interact with and build relationships with, and all we do is destroy those two things.
We treat this planet like a waste-bucket, we talk about others behind their backs, we manipulate, lie, steal, and take for granted this world and the people here in it. I think how incredibly sad this must make God. To look on us and see all of this sin and carelessness that we have. And that’s just on the outside, imagine what He sees when He looks within our hearts!
But still, He loves us. He looks upon us with nothing but adoration and love. He looks on us as a Father would a child that is walking for the first time…His heart bursting with pride and love for His children. It amazes me- that He knows the deepest parts of my soul (the bad thoughts, the ill intentions, etc) and even after knowing those things He still wants me.
I’m not sure the purpose of this post. I guess…there is a freedom in relinquishing your whole life to Jesus. Not just parts, but all of it. Freedom and peace are found when you realize you aren’t in control. That isn’t an excuse to live a wreckless/disobedient life…it’s a invitation to live a life of peace in obedience.
One resounding truth about my future that God has spoken over me is this: “I have something waiting for you.” . And this is why I don’t freak out about my future career anymore…I’ve been obedient in the small steps He has asked me to take, I have listened and walked with Him, and I know I’ve found favor in his eyes. My Father has something waiting for me and His timing is perfect. So I won’t rush this last semester, I won’t wish for the future, I’ll enjoy these days and this life He’s given me right now.
And when I do go through struggle, it helps me to say out loud “This is already done in Jesus’ name.” How freeing it is to know that God speaks about our current problems in the past tense. It’s already done.
I hope this helps someone today, it’s been on my heart since I came home last night 😀 May God bless each and every one of you throughout this week! I’ve got an exercise post half-written that I hope to share soon. Happy Wednesday lovebugs!