I’ve always been the go-go-go type person. Have to do this, have to do that. I can’t even stand still- I usually sway if I’m standing or shake my foot if I’m sitting down.
I once ended up in the hospital for what I thought was a heart attack only to learn that it was a severe panic attack. I don’t know when to stop sometimes. When to rest and let things just be...
Sometimes God gives me such strong conviction about what I’m supposed to do and when that I act immediately, but I haven’t gotten this from Him lately. I miss it. I have such a strong desire to help those in need and nowhere to channel it. Nowhere to focus this feeling. I’ve submitted applications to various places in my county about volunteering and helping in the community, but I haven’t heard anything back.
In my own time, I go about every day looking for someone to help or to give a kind word to. Someone looks like they’re having a bad day? I try to brighten it. Sometimes I drive past homeless people and feel completely hopeless that I can’t jump out of the car with a be-all end-all cure for everything that’s wrong in their lives.
I’ve been praying for a few months now for God to help me channel this feeling. Help me place it somewhere. But in the back of my mind I know it isn’t happening for a reason. I know that He is trying to teach me something…and I didn’t have the revelation of what it was until today.
I was at SweetFrog with my lovely mother, telling her about how I see those less fortunate in places like Uganda and Africa and how I so badly wish I could be there physically helping them. Giving them hugs, shining a light in their darkness…She told me she felt the same way, and then we sat there feeling down on how much we don’t do…
Driving in my car on the way home, I began to pray again. To ask God to please give me something. Tell me where I’m supposed to go with this heart to help others. Help direct me and give me an outlet for it so I can feel like I’m doing something for His kingdom.
And clear as day, in the silence of my car, He said to me:
“I love you even if you don’t do anything.”
Let me tell you…that was not what I was expecting. I’ve felt a notion for “slowing down” for weeks, but I’ve ignored it. I broke down crying right then and there in my car. Because I can’t even fathom a love that loves me so wonderfully that I never have to do anything for Him and He’ll still love me as greatly as he does.
In this world we have relationships that rely on give and take. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Have you ever given to someone completely and not expected anything in return? Be honest. I know I never have. Deep down I’m like “Gosh, I hope so-and-so remembers how good I’m being to him right now.”
My childhood with my father was built up on how much I could impress him with big words that are hard to spell. How awesomely I can build a doghouse just like the next kid. What a good helper I could be when it came time to do the dishes. How fast I could read without using my finger to guide me. I tried to earn, earn, earn up those love points, hoping one day all of that would make him want to love me more. And it was never enough. I could never do enough to please him.
And that’s how I’ve been acting with my Heavenly Father. Trying to earn points…looking up when I do a good thing and saying “See? Am I the apple of your eye now?”
But I was already the apple of His eye. Even before I got saved. And I can’t comprehend a love like that. And I don’t know if I can fully accept it.
I’ve invited people from my neighborhood to church only for them to not come. And I feel like a failure to my God. I feel like cowering away and saying “Sorry” to Him. Like not showing Him my face because I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t do good enough. Like when you make a bad grade on a test and don’t want to show your parents.
And maybe I’m not ready to share this light fully with others until I learn what it means to rest in His love. Until I learn that I can just sit and be with Him and have Him love me without trying to earn His praise. Not to say that I don’t want to help others or that I shouldn’t, we are here to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but how can I express this love to others if I don’t fully believe I’m loved just as I am?
It’s something I have to work on for sure. Something I have to constantly talk with Him about. But, God, I am so glad that another wall has been torn down…thank goodness. I love it when He exposes these parts of me that I didn’t even know I had. I love that He’s molding and shaping me into the person He wants me to be. Thank God.